Closing a chapter.

Things come to an end all the time, end of the road, end of the game, end of a season, end of a meeting, end of the day, the end of our alarm clocks in the morning (the end of the time available to hit the snooze button one last time).

When we reach the end, we take time to simmer on the experience.

Seven years ago, I began what I thought was going to be my dream life.  Started a new path, a new job, and bought a new home.  Hopeful, curious – a youthful dreamy.  Seven years later, I’ve put to rest literally every decision I’ve made and consequence I’ve faced.  A full circle of closure.  On Monday, I started a new job, life re-started a couple times while trying to find my identity, and I sold my home.

Locking it up on Tuesday was the last time I will set foot in that house.  The end.  The end of years of trying to be anyone but who I was.   And believe me, I’ve tried to be a lot of people.

The further away I chose to be from who I was, the unhappier I became.  Funny how that works.  The universe somehow always steered me back to me and in time I became to embrace that.  Once being me was who I wanted to be, everything else around me changed.  Decisions became clearer, conversations became easier and life started moving forward.  Anything that no longer served me has exited my life – all in seven years – to the day – creepy.  Perfecto.

So little chapter, thank you for all your lessons.

xo

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I just need one grape.

Imagine what you’d think if I said that after a meal.  You’d be thinking, (uh, ok.)  But if I said to you, “I just need one piece of chocolate,” you’d be thinking (yeah, that makes sense.)

So why the intensity around loving sweets (or savory, if that’s your thing?)

There is so much discussion out there about how to approach this.

  1. Don’t use food as a reward
  2. Use food as a reward (in moderation)
  3. Have one treat day per week (go crazy, eat whatever)
  4. Cut it out completely

I already know the answer to this (for me) will be up to me to figure out, so this post is a confession of my deep love for chocolate and peanuts.  You can imagine how I feel when I see a Mr. Goodbar, and how to manage the overall consumption of said Goodbars.

When I was practicing bulimia, it seemed to present the best of both worlds.  Now that I practice a healthy style of living, there is this residue of old thought patterns that need to be changed.  But food, unlike drugs or alcohol, cannot be cut out completely.  You need to develop new beliefs about food and unlearn the old ones.

The Rizz and I have a plan to approach this for ourselves, but in each other’s company.

Stay tuned for chocolate love updates.

xo

 

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32.

I realize it’s not a typical age noted as a milestone, but birthdays often mark a time for some serious reflection.  What have I done?  What do I still want to do?

And the higher the age, typically, the higher the stakes.

I like 32.  There are years where you are just straight up growing and you feel the pain of it.  There are other years that you see the fruit of your growth.  And let me tell you, it’s looking like here is going to be some good fruit this season.

I commemorate this day with this photo.  I love this photo for a few reasons:

  1. Breakfast at Tiffany’s is one of my favourite movies
  2. Audrey Hepburn is one of my favourite actresses
  3. I love her apartment and resembles mine
  4. She just happens to be 32 when it was filmed

Breakfast-at-Tiffany-s-audrey-hepburn-210773_697_463

Happy birthday to me!  And all you April 7′s.

xo

 

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Making progress, and loving the now.

I’m sure in this day and age you’ve heard people preaching to live (and love) in the now. Present day. Yesterday’s already gone and tomorrow is too far away. Do you have any idea how much mental practice goes into living in the now? A heck of a lot. It’s worth it, I get glimpses of the reward when I do it – and it’s totally worth it.

But in a results-driven era, how does one find peace in today, when we want to progress to our better selves tomorrow? How do you find the balance between the two?

I have a fitness coach, he’s the best. He opened my eyes to a different perspective about fitness and health. He also was (and is) a key supporter in my quest to rid myself of an eating disorder (which I’m happy to report is long gone). Unlike most fitness coaches, mine is concerned about your internal health, joint health, mental health, back health and that fitness is a part of your healthy lifestyle. So much in fact, he considers how your fitness routine could impact your relationships. So many out there (who I’ve worked with anyway) care little about how healthy you are and focus only on what you look like on the outside or how much business they can drum up.

I went in for my six week assessment today where we talk about how I’m feeling, how work, life, eating, boyfriend, and workouts are going. I like these check-ins, they tell me how I’m doing (as if I’ve forgotten what happened in the last six weeks), but you know what I mean, stats, on paper, caliper pinches, the whole bit.

Right there, a perfect example of loving and living in the now while simultaneously imagining my progress check-in six weeks from now. Did you know we are not programmed to multi-task? It’s been proven, there are studies about that you can read up on. If that’s the case, then how do we live in the moment and continue to grow forward?

For me, it means appreciating the thoughts that take place from both perspectives as they arise and acknowledging if I start fantasizing forward to the point of living in wonderland instead of today.

What do you do?
Sending love.

xo

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Being the girl.

So often we look to others to serve us. To be the ones who provide us with the things we need in life to flourish and feel happy. But what if we turned the perspective around and asked ourselves, “am I being the girl (or guy) I want to be with/for others/this situation?”

What if, instead of allowing our feelings and perceptions to be the result of someone else’s actions and choices; we were to base our feelings and perceptions on our own selves? Our own actions and choices? And let those be what drive our state of mind.

Meaning, “I’m not unhappy because of how so-and-so treated me today”, but rather, “I’m happy that I was kind and loving in my response to so-and-so”.

Do you live everyday being the person who YOU want to be? Have you ever defined what that means? I don’t mean a list of what you want to do, I mean a list of who you are and how you want to be.

I have a boyfriend who I love. A lot. So who do I expect myself to be as a girlfriend? (Fight the urge to immediately think, “yeah, but I want him to… We all have a responsibility to be the best of who we can be, not as only a response to others when they give what we want to us.) I want her to be loving, patient, introspective, supportive, understanding, encouraging, and motivating. Great list. Now what does that look like in practice? How do I show him these things? Not only when I’m in a good mood, but also when I’m in a bad mood, a tired mood, or an impatient mood.

Consider who the ideal you is, and start working on that before worrying if people are treating you the way you want to be treated. We can’t treat others the way we want (or how they deserve) if we aren’t consciously practicing being who we want to be.

xo

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Best and worst.

Social media has become an arena for us to share our feelings.  It’s usually the best and worst feelings that make it to the online stage.  When we’re at our best, we share pictures of our food, we post smiling snapshots of our achievements, and we publicly celebrate with and to the cyber world.  When we are at our worst, we reach out with ambiguous, saddened statements, or we share pleasing motivational quotes in hopes to give ourselves some time to grieve – or the little kick in the pants we need.

What about when we’re hanging somewhere in the middle?  

It is so rare to see when we are lounging in the middle.  Today, I’m mid-process.

My past was full of hurt feelings, low self-confidence, seeking love and acceptance, and the reality of being completely lost.  Some of that came from my parent’s choices and the rest of it came from my own choices and perceptions.  There comes a point where the reins of your life have been passed to you.  The timing of this is, of course, different for everyone.  And if you’re not aware – or ready – for it, like a horse running without reins, your life feels out of control.

So here I am, on the verge of 32, I’m just beginning to know myself.  Accept myself.  Love myself.  There was a significant level of healing that has taken place to get here.  I could share with you my long story of the ups and downs, the twisted path and the growth that had to take place, but instead, I’m going to fast-forward to where I am today.

One of my greatest achievements of 2013 was overcoming bulimia.  Flushing a 16-year way of life down the toilet, figuratively and literally.  There are residuals of that life that creep up.  Whenever we take on a new level of healing or commit to a new goal, old negative thoughts and feelings, that have been stored inside, and have gone unchallenged are dislodged and begin moving through our consciousness.  If our commitment is strong, these old negative feelings and thoughts will be released.  This is part of our healing.  Sometimes those old negative thoughts lead to old decision making.  Yesterday was the first day, since October (2013), that I binged.  And I don’t mean a couple of chocolate bars, I’m talking a whole medium pizza, a large bag of chips, a pint of choco gelato, a box of Reese’s Pieces, Reese Peanut Butter Cups and some rice pasta.  Needless to say, I wasn’t feeling great about my decision – and my stomach is still paying the price – not to mention, my skin.

photo (6)

There’s the remanence.  It’s rare that we post photos of things we’re ashamed of.  Which should tell you, I’m no longer ashamed of it.

Last night, I accepted my choices knowing that tomorrow would be another day.  I didn’t have the slightest inclination to purge (all day).  I’ve moved on.  This morning, I woke up to a calm peace, and had a great day.

I’m sharing this because it doesn’t always have to be best or worst.  We spend the majority of our time during the process, not the rock-bottoms or the coming-in-first-place.  It was just a day, it passed like the rest of them and I’ve been able to learn something new about myself.

I hope your day taught you something new about yourself too.

Love, love and more love.

xo

 

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