Social media has become an arena for us to share our feelings. It’s usually the best and worst feelings that make it to the online stage. When we’re at our best, we share pictures of our food, we post smiling snapshots of our achievements, and we publicly celebrate with and to the cyber world. When we are at our worst, we reach out with ambiguous, saddened statements, or we share pleasing motivational quotes in hopes to give ourselves some time to grieve – or the little kick in the pants we need.
What about when we’re hanging somewhere in the middle?
It is so rare to see when we are lounging in the middle. Today, I’m mid-process.
My past was full of hurt feelings, low self-confidence, seeking love and acceptance, and the reality of being completely lost. Some of that came from my parent’s choices and the rest of it came from my own choices and perceptions. There comes a point where the reins of your life have been passed to you. The timing of this is, of course, different for everyone. And if you’re not aware – or ready – for it, like a horse running without reins, your life feels out of control.
So here I am, on the verge of 32, I’m just beginning to know myself. Accept myself. Love myself. There was a significant level of healing that has taken place to get here. I could share with you my long story of the ups and downs, the twisted path and the growth that had to take place, but instead, I’m going to fast-forward to where I am today.
One of my greatest achievements of 2013 was overcoming bulimia. Flushing a 16-year way of life down the toilet, figuratively and literally. There are residuals of that life that creep up. Whenever we take on a new level of healing or commit to a new goal, old negative thoughts and feelings, that have been stored inside, and have gone unchallenged are dislodged and begin moving through our consciousness. If our commitment is strong, these old negative feelings and thoughts will be released. This is part of our healing. Sometimes those old negative thoughts lead to old decision making. Yesterday was the first day, since October (2013), that I binged. And I don’t mean a couple of chocolate bars, I’m talking a whole medium pizza, a large bag of chips, a pint of choco gelato, a box of Reese’s Pieces, Reese Peanut Butter Cups and some rice pasta. Needless to say, I wasn’t feeling great about my decision – and my stomach is still paying the price – not to mention, my skin.
There’s the remanence. It’s rare that we post photos of things we’re ashamed of. Which should tell you, I’m no longer ashamed of it.
Last night, I accepted my choices knowing that tomorrow would be another day. I didn’t have the slightest inclination to purge (all day). I’ve moved on. This morning, I woke up to a calm peace, and had a great day.
I’m sharing this because it doesn’t always have to be best or worst. We spend the majority of our time during the process, not the rock-bottoms or the coming-in-first-place. It was just a day, it passed like the rest of them and I’ve been able to learn something new about myself.
I hope your day taught you something new about yourself too.
Love, love and more love.